About MENDS
MENDS - The Program
So you want to know more about MENDS?
MENDS is a 12 week (2 hour sessions, once a week) small group program designed specifically to assist:
- Pre-separation men - those about to separate and wanting to do it better,
- Recently separated men - an ideal window is within 6 months of separation,
- Distantly separated men - we've had men as far as 17 years past remarriage engage MENDS productively,
- Still-in-relationship men - things are rocky, people are communicating via fridge magnets, but would like to get the relationship sorted out,
- Not-in-relationship - guys who would like to be ready for a healthy relationship; when and if one is available.
We see men who have initiated the end of a relationship, and the more common pattern of their ex-partner being the initiator. We have had men as young as 23 and as old as 75 do the program, with children and childless, from every walk of life.
It is common for separated men to be convinced that their problems (and solutions) are exclusively legal. That couldn't be further from the truth in our extensive experience. We know men who pursued that approach and wound up repeating past failures... a very expensive and devastating experience.
The program has a very purposeful design, which consists of:
- The foundational module, Reconnecting with Self, builds upon the idea that a man's external relationships can never be any better than his relationship with himself. We demystify that process, as guys realize that that process is quite achievable, and in fact, extremely satisfying, and empowering, producing benefits that touch all facets of their life.
- The second module is Reconnecting with your Children - which builds upon the idea that your children need you to be travelling well, so that you don't confuse your needs with theirs. Fathers and men who miss this can stumble forward, unconsciously expecting their children to parent them; to give their life meaning. Don't rob any child of their childhood! Understand what your childrens' needs are and how best to meet those needs.
- Module three is Reconnecting with Others , - which covers how to learn from failed or problematic relationships, being ready for more fulfilling relationship; and even how to gauge when you are ready. It also shouts the dangers of rushing (out of loneliness and neediness) into new relationships prematurely. We also cover the important issue of how to build and sustain healthy male support networks.
Each of the above modules has three sessions (i.e. 3 x 3). The second is a very practical component, for example: stress, health and nutrition or legal issues (led by a guest Family Law Practitioner), plus a third problem-solving and peer support session.
There are also front-end elements to ensure the safety of clients, and back-end elements to enable ongoing support.
Relationship to Men's Work
Various MENDS material spells out the core MENDS philosophy that men are only as free to be in a healthy external relationship with another human being as they are capable of being in full and healthy relationship with themselves. Part of that philosophy is embedded in the original design of the name MENDS which was conceived as Men Exploring New Directional Strategies. It is a handful, so you might forgive us for employing the shorter monica!
The key notion is that men have choices in how they relate to the world, and that unconsciously and uncritically accepting roles is no road to happiness or internal fulfilment, particularly during times of rapid external change.
During the course of a MENDS program most men gain in their capacity for, and enjoyment of, friendship and positive association with other men. By the time they reach the end of the program, many feel the worth of such positive associations at a critical time in their separation recovery.
That is the vital point at which MENDS provides exposure to the developing area of men's work. Organisations like MHWA (Men's Health and Wellbeing Association) provide an excellent resource for men who want to continue and further the gains made throughout the program. The other important part of community-based men's work, is that it provides a low or no-cost ongoing support structure, a factor frequently of significance to separated men.
Importantly, MENDS encourages graduates to engage and become involved with a healthy and growing community of men, and to particularly avoid the trap of getting stuck in “victim thinking”.
