Separation Essentials
Congratulations on your decision to get speedy access to information on how best to handle the challenging process of managing a separation well.
If you are travelling really rough right now and need tips for coping with that immediately, we recommend you call either Men's Line Australia on 1-300-78-99-78 (see more) or Lifeline.
Knowing when to ask for support is a sign of mature masculinity.
Remember, things are rarely as bad as they look in the eye of the storm of separation!
On this page we will spell out some Traps and Tips we can offer you at this early stage. These can in no way substitute for the content of a full MENDS program, but they can help keep you out of trouble in the meantime.
- Separation Tip - Who Pulled the Pin?
- Separation Traps - Dealing with the Pain
- Separation Tip - Sleepless in Separation
- Separation Tip - Positive Child Focus
- Separation Tip - Access Accurate Information
- Separation Traps - Sexual Abuse Claims
- Separation Traps - Domestic Violence
- Separation Traps - Softly, Softly New Relationships
- Separation Tip - Living Alone vs. Sharing
- Separation Traps - Time Will Heal
- Separation Traps - Badmouthing the X
- Separation Traps - My Mask is Better Than Yours
Smart Separation Tip - Who Pulled the Pin?
Don't unduly thrash yourself if your partner ended the relationship, feeling you are the failure. You are certainly not alone, even though it might feel like that right now.
In the late 90s in Australia , women initiated the end of relationships in around 70% of cases, a near complete reversal of what was occurring 10 years ago.
Separation Trap - Dealing with the Pain
Pain is not alcohol soluble, so don't try to self-medicate your pain using alcohol or any illegal drug.... right now you need every brain cell you can muster to safely & successfully handle the road ahead.
Most particularly, NEVER GO NEAR YOUR FORMER PARTNER UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR ANY OTHER DRUG.
IF YOU GET A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ORDER AGAINST YOUR NAME NOW IT WILL WORK AGAINST YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN.
Smart Separation Tip - Sleepless in Separation
If you are having trouble sleeping, which is quite common and normal in the early phase of separation, be proactive:
- Increase your physical activity to work off some of the stress - go for a walk, jog, play sport regularly. More than 4 times per week is ideal.
- Make an appointment with your GP. TELL HIM OR HER WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, and request some appropriate medication to help you sleep in the short term. Use such medication strictly as per instructions.
- Do not get caught in the loop of alcohol or drugs to get to sleep and coffee, sugar and nicotine to get started for the day.
- Research indicates that protracted periods of less than 6 hours sleep per night are linked with much worse health outcomes. Sleep deprivation in itself can be a major contributor to the likelihood of depression, so do not ignore the seriousness of persistent sleeplessness.
Smart Separation Tip - Positive Child Focus
No matter how much you hurt, never criticise your former partner in front of the children. Tearing a former partner down in the eyes of children does not increase your worth or their love for you, and does add to children's already considerable pain and anxiety.
State early and clearly to your ex-partner how concerned you are for the ongoing wellbeing of the children, and strive for agreement to not use the children as pawns in a power play.
Remember always that the best predictor of children being damaged by the end of a relationship, is parent's prolonged aggression and resentment towards each other.
Smart Separation Tip - Access Accurate Information
Do not make any financial agreements or enter into any financial arrangements without getting access to your legal rights and responsibilities; the earlier the better. Experience shows women access this sort of information far earlier than most men.
Likewise, do not leave the family home and establish 'default' arrangements for the children until you have got a clear understanding of your rights, responsibilities and how the 'status quo" is perceived by the system.
Many men enter into arrangements that bleed them dry, to discover too late that they have acted against both their own and the children's' best long term interests.
Be aware that some men talk a lot of nonsense that is not accurate or factually based on the issue of separation and divorce. You can't afford to make important decisions on the strength of gossip and hearsay.
Separation Traps - Sexual Abuse Claims
WARNING: Some people may try to read things into your physical relationship with your children that are not there.
Never leave yourself open to claims of sexual abuse of your children. Behaviour which may have seemed quite normal and reasonable while you were in your relationship (such as letting children climb into bed with you), may now be highly problematic.
Be warned that threats of claimed sexual abuse are sometimes used to unsettle a man prior to important legal proceedings.
Should you have responses towards your children that are not normal for you, or society regards as inappropriate, access specialist services as a matter of extreme urgency. MENDS is unambiguous in its stand that there is no place for sexual interaction between any parent and a child. A psychologist would be an ideal place to address such an issue. Do not delay! The residual effect of sexual abuse is horrific and frequently long-lasting, and what parent would knowing damage their children?
Separation Traps - Domestic Violence
WARNING: Some people may try to provoke an altercation as the basis of a domestic violence charge which can be used to get a man out of the family home or gain other advantage in legal proceedings.
Know your own limits, stay well within them (allowing that this is an exceptionally stressful phase of life), and have the courage and discipline to walk away from any situation, if you feel at any risk of losing self-control. Tip: It can be wise to get a third party to accompany you to help defuse any touchy interactions.
Remember, you will show your real manliness at this point by your self-mastery, not in any display of aggression.
MENDS is unambiguous in its unconditional condemnation of violence, and any activities by either party that could be reasonably predicted to contribute towards escalation to physical violence.
Separation Traps - Softly, Softly New Relationships
Rushing into another relationship is the last thing needed right now!
While another relationship may be very tempting, right now your judgement is more than likely severely impaired by all that going on, so a decision on something as important as a new relationship can surely wait.
Too many men rush into new relationships, to discover they have replicated prior mistakes. Better to integrate the lessons, before doubling the pain for both yourself and the other person (and further distressing the kids). See also: Relate Web Site on Step Families.
Smart Separation Tip - Living Alone vs. Sharing
Research shows that living alone is a strong predictor of poor coping with separation for men. You still can have the room to quietly withdraw and process (which is important) without living by yourself. We strongly recommend you find a suitable person to share accommodation with, but keep the above point regarding new relationships in mind.
Separation Traps - Time Will Heal
There is some real truth and a real trap in this saying.
There a some parallels between the grief at the end of a valued relationship and a serious physical wound.
Time is a powerful healer, and it is very normal to take several years to heal effectively after these events. It is important, however, to be realistic about how deep that wound is and how robust your "immune system".
The wound analogy is good one to make the next point. There are some wounds so deep or so infected that time alone will not bring about healing. These need additional resources. (see MENDS information on depression)
Our MENDS experience is that many men are in the best emotional state to effect significant healing in the first six (6) months after separation. By that we mean the pain is raw and still accessible... still can be worked with before it gets buried, out of sight, but still of powerful impact.
Many men however try to "tough out" that first intense period, only to discover later that they aren't really making progress. They have survived the war, but are slowly dying in the peace. We see too many men at the 2 year mark, who could have saved a lot of time, stress and money by acting earlier. (see Peter Jordon FCA Report 10 research findings)
Only you can make the decision of what if right for you, but do access expert information in a timely manner to assist and support your decision-making and speed your recovery to healthy function.
Separation Traps - Badmouthing the X
It is common to feel wretched (or something sounding similar) in the throes of separation, and it may get to the point, if you don't engage a better coping strategy, that anything that makes you feel better is fair game.
Sounding off about your former partner may be one such strategy, and in the right place and time, that can have some value.
In front of, or within earshot, of your children, is neither a right place nor time. As half your child's genes are your former partners', an attack upon them is perceived by your children as an attack upon part of them. As healthy self-esteem is one of the most valuable resources we all need in a rapidly changing world, then attacking or destroying your children's self-esteem is nothing short of child-abuse.
Don't do it, and do all in your power and influence to bring your former partner around to that perspective, as soon as possible.
(For further reading on this issue click here)
Separation Traps - My Mask is Better Than Yours
There is an old truism around men's coping patterns -
All men know they (themselves) wear masks.
All men believe other men's masks!
Most men make a fundamental error in assessing how they are travelling in separation by comparison to others. They look around and note the external signs of how other men are coping, and believe what they see.
Big mistake!
Most men pretend they have it all together - that's our lifelong socialisation. So looking at others in similar situations, it is a mistake to judge how others are coping by externals. You owe it to yourself to see how unhelpful and even dangerous those masks are right now. Find a safe place fast (or quicker if possible) and drop the pretence, so the healing can start.
