Books
MENDS has reviewed the following books and believes them to be of value to men going through separation, divorce and related trauma. Some may also be of value to people close to such men: children, partners, parents as well.
MENDS endorsement does not necessarily mean that we concur 100% with every opinion expressed by an author.
- Father and Child Reunion - Warren Farrell Ph.D.
- Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say - Warren Farrell Ph.D.
- Fathers After Divorce - Michael Green QC
- The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce - J. S. Wallerstein
- Manhood - Steve Biddulph
- Raising Boys - Steve Biddulph
- The Prodigal Father - Reuniting Fathers and Their Children - Mark Bryan
- Family Secrets - John Bradshaw
With the exception of The Prodigal Father, all the above books should be readily available from any good Australian book store.
Father and Child Reunion - Warren Farrell Ph.D.
New Australian Publication - October 2001 by Finch Publishing
The book is subtitled: How To Bring The Dads We Need To The Children We Love.
This book can be summarised thus:
“Just as the last third of the 20th century was about creating equal opportunity for women as workers, so the first third of the 21st century will be about creating equal opportunity for men as parents. Neither goal will be achieved until both goals are achieved.”
Some established writers and subject-area specialists have expressed their opinion on the contribution this book makes:
“Of Farrell's many terrific books, Father and Child Reunion is his best. Wonderful advice, crystal clear writing, provocative discussion. Its insights are a gift to men and women.”
KYLE D. PRUETT, MD PROFESSOR OF CHILD PSYCHIATRY, YALE UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF MEDICINE. AUTHOR, FATHER NEED
“Father and Child Reunion introduces us to the nurturing side of fathers through a masterful blend of original ideas and hard data. It will inspire and persuade dads to become more involved with their children - a benefit not only to kids, but to moms as well.”
JOHN GRAY. AUTHOR, MEN ARE FROM MARS; WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
“A book of incalculable importance and stunning originality. Written with lucidity and passion, backed by exhaustive and impeccable research. The best book I know of on the irreplaceable importance of fathers, plus a new way of thinking about the family.”
NATHANIEL BRANDEN, PHD. AUTHOR, SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM AND MY YEARS WITH AYN RAND
“I come away from this book not only inspired to be a more involved dad, but with a much deeper understanding of exactly what I do that is helpful to my children, and why. It is brilliant, original, and inspiring.”
JACK CANFIELD. CO-AUTHOR, CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE PARENT'S SOUL
“Vital. An excellent and long overdue contribution to improving the lives of children, women, and men.”
KAREN DECROW. ATTORNEY; PAST PRESIDENT, NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN
“A must-read. Farrell is a rudder of reason in a stormy sea of half-truths. He astounds and enlightens. Our children will reap the rewards!”
DR DENIS WAITLEY. AUTHOR, SEEDS OF GREATNESS
“An amazing gift to men, women, and children. Unforgettable revelations that inspire us to change today's dysfunctional parenting.”
SUSAN JEFFERS, PHD. AUTHOR, I'M OKAY, YOU'RE A BRAT AND FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY
“Father and Child Reunion shakes up my way of looking at the embattled world of fathers and families. Farrell's counsel is wise; his advice, sound and specific.”
HOWARD M. HALPERN, PHD. PAST PRESIDENT, AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PSYCHOTHERAPISTS. AUTHOR, CUTTING LOOSE AND HOW TO BREAK YOUR ADDICTION TO A PERSON
“A great book! A unique blend of lively and humorous writing with rigorous documentation. A perfect gift for any father or mother-or anyone contemplating the adventure.”
HENRY BILLER. PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY, UNIVERSITY OF RHODE ISLAND. AUTHOR, FATHERS AND FAMILIES
The early chapter conclusions are very consistent with MENDS experience with many hundreds of separated men. We have noted with some satisfaction Dr Farrell's comments on page 20 regarding suicide:
“In the three decades I have worked with both sexes, I have found four common denominators among people who commit suicide: feeling unloved ; feeling unneeded ; feeling no hope of that changing , and feeling a lack of comfort expressing those feelings.”
His remarks strongly correlate with the elements of the MENDS program we have found to work best for separated men, whom our research shows clearly are not travelling well at all before the program. Many lessons can be learnt from these basic human needs, and good programs should address these needs well before suicide is considered as an option.
Farrell traverses many perspectives on marriage and parental roles, and is far from one-eyed is analysing what goes on in relationship failure, and the many subtleties that conspire to so easily keep parents in conflict with each other, in marked contrast with the identified "ideal" of co-parenting.
The book looks like it will strongly challenge the assumption by many separating fathers that they have little, beyond money, to offer their children, so is most welcome and consistent with what MENDS is saying to many dads.
Daryl Sturgess
Book summary on Dr Farrell's web site
Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say - Warren Farrell Ph.D.
Finch Publishing 2001
Praise for Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say:
“Brave, brilliant, and filled with startling information that will forever change the way you look at both men and women. Dr Warren Farrell is the rare person who truly has deep compassion for both sexes. Essential reading.”
SUSAN JEFFERS, PHD, AUTHOR OF FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY
“I'm saying - no, I'm shouting - to women and men to read this book. Warren Farrell is a true Renaissance man with penetrating insights and laser-accurate perspectives who sees both the yin and rang. He is our spokesperson not merely to women, but more poignantly to our own male souls, which we have been so afraid to expose and share.”
DENNIS WAITLEY, PHD, AUTHOR OF THE PSYCHOLOGY OF WINNING
“Shocking and provocative. Warren Farrell has the gift of compelling us to look at old problems with new eyes. He challenges countless popular assumptions with a devastatingly persuasive picture of reality Most important, he points the way to urgently needed solutions.”
NATHANIEL BRANDEN, AUTHOR OF THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM
“Warren Farrell has given us a gift by writing Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say. He points us to the only way to end the battle of the sexes in the twenty-first century”
KAREN DECROW, ATTORNEY, AND FORMER PRESIDENT, NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN
“Revolutionary! This book will help you be understood by your son, father, or partner as much as it will help you understand them.”
BETTIE B. YOUNGS, PHD, PULITZER-NOMINATED AUTHOR OF GIFTS OF THE HEART
“An amazing piece of work. Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say is a great contribution to communication between men and women. It substitutes illumination for emotion, and careful research for skewed statistics. It is my hope that the law will hear what men don't say in time for our children to reap the benefit.”
NORMAN VROMAN, DISTRICT ATTORNEY, MENDOCINO COUNTY, CALIFORNIA
“Dr Warren Farrell is one of the most original thinkers of our Time.”
NANCY FRIDAY, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF SEVEN BOOKS, INCLUDING OUR LOOKS, OUR LIVES
“Bursting with provocative data ... Farrell's specific prescriptions for better communication make it must reading.”
HOWARD M. HALPERN, PHI, FORMER PRESIDENT, AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PSYCHOTHERAPISTS, AND AUTHOR OF HOW TO BREAK YOUR ADDICTION TO A PERSON
“No book digs deeper than Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say to help us discover men's hidden stories. It is a brilliant book!”
JACK CANFIELD, CO-AUTHOR OF CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL
“An excellent and original guide to help men and women give and receive personal criticism and communicate more effectively.”
JOHN GRAY, AUTHOR OF MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
Book summary on Dr Farrell's web site
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
A 25 Year Landmark Study
Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee - HarperCollinsPublishers
This book was first published in the US in 2000, but is now available in Australia in paperback form at a more separated male-friendly $29.95.
This is not a book I would recommend for recently separated men. It is closer to an academic text, but one that brings forth extremely valuable observations regarding the long term effect of separation and divorce on children.
Overall the book takes many professionals involved in “family matters” over the last 20 plus years to task for making a lot of noise about child-centric policy, but in fact listening poorly to what children are saying. (I should add at this point that this text is primarily a comment on the US system, but many points are transportable.)
There is much valuable material in better ways to handle separation from the child's perspective, if is inevitable.
Interestingly, Wallerstein concludes that one of a child's greatest loses is their “sense of history”. This is consistent with MENDS experience, and part of what Owen Pershouse addresses in his downloadable essay entitled Emotional Inheritance.
This book has particular value for adult children of divorced parents. It helps make sense of the many adaptations children make to survive as little people, which in adult life are frequently counter-productive. It is these factors that frequently increased the risk of children-of-divorce becoming divorced themselves, in spite of their best intentions.
Two of the points that struck me most powerfully were:
- the importance of letting children know that Mum and Dad once loved each other, and that the children were products of that love and
- the value, even in ongoing successful relationships, of having healthy adult disagreements in front of children, and modelling the possibility and skills of moving toward resolution.
Fathers After Divorce - Michael Green QC
The following is an extract from The Sydney Morning Herald, Saturday August 1, 1998 - Spectrum Features, an article by Keith Austin entitled In the Name of the Fathers .
Fathers After Divorce took Green five years to write, working at nights and weekends while running his own practice.
“There were times when I wished I'd never started it,” he says “but it occurred to me that there were a lot of men and women who were making the same mistakes I made. Who were making things unnecessarily difficult for themselves and their children, and were not working it through properly and not getting over it.
“I felt I had some useful things to say ... and I have a hope that it might help men and women, and their children.
"It's also an elucidation of what happens to men and the difficulties they face ... the discontent they have, and that they must be taken seriously and not just scoffed at by women and others."
What Green has done, says Professor Anne McMurray of Griffith University in Queensland, is provide a practical guide for men who need to navigate through the Family Court and the Child Support Agency, as well as let them know the angst they are feeling is only natural.
Professor McMurray, who is the author of Parenting Without Custody, and is researching divorce and domestic violence, says:
“I think it's right on time ... it can be a frustrating process when you're anxious and upset and missing your children.
It is good that someone has put them together in a very meaningful way in a book like this that says, “Just settle down, go this agency, access these resources, you know you're on the right track, you're a valuable human being, you love your children ...”
It's just so sensible.
Manhood - Steve Biddulph
Steve Biddulph is Australia's best-known family therapist and parenting author. His books, including The Secret of Happy Children (published in ten languages) and the acclaimed Manhood, are popular all over the world.
An action plan for changing men's lives
Since publication of the first edition in 1994, Manhood has had a profound emotional impact on thousands of men and women. Copies have been passed from hand-to-hand by friends, partners, workmates (and from sons to their fathers) - with the simple message, “You must read this!” Manhood tackles the key areas of a man's life - parenting, love and sexuality, finding meaning in work and making real friends. It opens new pathways to healing the past and forming true partnerships with women, as well as honouring our own inner needs. This revised and expanded edition includes two new chapters, “Making School Good for Boys” and “Men's Groups”.
Nearly every man will find something in this book to shift his thinking, and perhaps his life. And nearly every woman will applaud the change. Best of all, there's something peculiarly Australian about Steve Biddulph's work - poetic yet down-to-earth, committed but practical, sensitive but free from self-indulgence.
Richard Glover, The Sydney Morning Herald
Biddulph is the man the Australian men's movement has been waiting for .. His book is a good mix .. moving stories from men's lives .. plus all sorts of practical ideas about changing men. At last some solutions ...
Bettina Arndt, The Australian
Raising Boys - Steve Biddulph
Why boys are different - and how to help them become happy and well-balanced men
Everyone who has boys today is concerned for them. Everywhere we look, boys are having trouble with their lives. Parents want to understand better what makes boys tick, and how to help them be happy, loving and capable.
In Raising Boys, Steve Biddulph looks at the most important issues in boys' development from birth to manhood - and discusses the warm, strong parenting and guidance that boys need. He brings his humour, honesty and practical knowledge of families to the vital task of raising our sons.
“When I read your book, I breathed a sigh of relief to finally understand that boys are different from girls, and that is okay.” Christine, mother of two boys
- How can we teach boys to be happy, confident and kind?
- The three stages of boyhood, and how to make them go smoothly
- Testosterone! How it changes behaviour and what to do about it.
- How boys' brains are different. Understanding boys' vulnerabilities and how to overcome them.
- How mothers teach boys about life and love.
- The five essentials that fathers provide (and what to do if you're a single mum).
- Common diseases of boys, such as “kitchen blindness” and “dyslaundria”.
- How to help boys learn a caring attitude to sex.
- Eight major changes schools must make to be good places for boys.
- Sport - encouraging the right values in boys.
- How can adult communities help boys become men?
- Parents and teachers will find this a breakthrough book which changes their outlook on boys for the better, forever.
The Prodigal Father - Mark Bryan
This book will come to be regarded as a mile-stone in effecting shifts in attitudes to the role of access Dads in the lives of their children.
Not distributed in Australia at the time of this review, Prodigal Father is an exceptional book on this most difficult of subjects. This work could be described as the gift growing out of the wound of the author, who as a sixteen year old high school student, found he was due to be a father by his high school sweetheart.
They married, and within two years the pressures of parenthood at such an immature age had taken their toll and the marriage folded. The impact of being alienated from his son and his sense of failure surrounding his marriage exacted a high price; his grades plummeted, he drifted into substance abuse and a range of numbing and denial behaviours.
Eventually (nearly a decade later), he mustered the fortitude to get help and start the long healing that eventually reunited him with his son, and brought him to the point of knowing enough about this all-too-common problem, to be able to write this book. He also now runs workshops across the USA.
Part of his recovery was becoming qualified in youth counselling himself, so what he offers as a bridge-building plan in this book, is based in very solid understanding of the area.
“Regardless of whether you are a dad, mum or child (even adult children) who has been touched by the break-up of a family, this book has an enormous amount to offer. Be warned on two accounts: you will need a few tissues, and if you are looking for a gender bash, this is not the book. Bryan makes the point very powerfully that there are few winners, and mostly losers, when a family breaks up and that fuelling pain and blame is a poisoned chalice, which your children don't deserve.
This is a powerful book that I predict will help many people see & get beyond their own pain and focus on a healthier life for the next generation.”
Daryl Sturgess
“This book touched me in several significant ways.
I was impressed with his no-nonsense, practical approach in the context of his personal story. To me, he represents the kind of man who “walks-his-talk” and never gave up by denying his “haunting” of his lost son.
The book inspired me (after some real soul-searching) to write a letter to Shane (the youngest of my 2 step-sons) and to tell him how much I had missed him and to open the door from my side. watch this space!
I was further struck by the overlaps between his “program” and MENDS (self-auditing, journaling, contact planning, underpinning pro-social values - especially overcoming the victim stance, etc, etc.)
I thoroughly commend the book to anyone, but particularly males. Keep on connecting, guys!”
Owen Pershouse
NOTE : As this book is not available in Australia at this point in time, it can be purchased over the Internet at http://www.amazon.com , which if you have not used them before, is both a painless and pleasurable experience. To locate the book on Amazon, type the book title into the search module.
If you feel you need to know more of the book before whacking down your hard-earned dollars, read some of the many reviews and return to the Amazon site to add yours after reading this book, if you enjoyed it as much as I did.
Daryl Sturgess
Late Breaking News
Random House have indicated that The Prodigal Father will be distributed in Australia. Try around locally.
Family Secrets - The Path to Self Acceptance & Reunion - John Bradshaw
From the book's dustcover:
“Family Secrets gives you the tools you need to understand your family - and yourself - in an entirely new way.
This fascinating journey of discovery starts with your life today and takes you back through the conflicts, the strengths and the weaknesses of your parents' generation - and even your grandparents. Using a revealing technique called a “genogram”, you'll trace the invisible family patterns that have influenced you. You'll learn about family secrets that are healthy and necessary, and about “dark” secrets that can limit your wholeness and freedom - even if you don't know they exist.
This work is sometimes painful, but is always enlightening - and ultimately hopeful. With John Bradshaw's guidance, you will come to a new appreciation and acceptance of yourself. You will also be able to build more open, honest, and loving relationships with the people that matter most.”
Comment: “Bradshaw brings the power and credibility of personal experience backed with his extensive professional training and experience to his work. This book is an excellent starting point for any person serious about de-toxifying their family, and minimising the pains they pass along to the next generation. Thoroughly recommended” Daryl
